It's okay to be scared

But it's not okay to let the fear take away enjoyment.
Difficult to admit but I seem to have lost my happy. Temporarily.

I tend to feel I have to do everything perfectly. It adds an awful lot of stress to my day.

I have three wonderful things to look forward to this month, but I'm so worried about not doing something I aught to get ready for them that I'm struggling to move forward.

To get a handle on the fear, for really that's what it is, I have stacks of lists scattered everywhere.

And a monster to do list.

Last night I couldn't go to sleep, and a little tiny voice in my head kept repeating,

"You know, you don't have to do it. You could stay home if it's too difficult for you. Or too scary."

Well, yeah. It is scary.
And yeah, I do want to do it, even if that means I do it scared.
It's not like it's the first time I've stepped out of my comfort zone to do something I've wanted to do.

Doing something new is always hard for me.
And yet, it's not very different from what I've done before.
And I know I'm capable of handling it.

But it is different in ways that scare me a little.
Even though it's perfectly safe.
Even though I've planned it to a squeak.
Even though I know it will be all right.

Still.
Some nights are hard to sleep.
And I know that's normal. There will be nights like that until I actually do what I'm planning.

And it will be okay.
And if something goes awry, as of course something will because you simply can't plan for every eventuality,
It will still be okay.

I'll just handle it,
The same way I've handled every other thing that has happened in my life.

It's not like my life has been uneventful.
And I'm still here, so I must be doing something right.

So today I'm going to try to pause, to breathe, to enjoy the projected sunshiny day,
To focus on what all this busyness is preparation for,
And get back to my happy place.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to add some things to my lists...